As many of you know from my whiny
statuses, I’m on a lose-the-last-of-my-baby-weight kick, at least for this
week. My hubby is also super amazing at keeping himself in shape and eating
right. As part of his effort he has purchased some protein powder which he
insists is wonderful mixed with his morning coffee. I, myself, am an iced
coffee fanatic. I have it down to an exact science. One medium to bold K-Cup,
cooled a bit with 1 T of heavy cream and 1 T of your chosen flavored coffee
creamer. Add some ice and it’s better than Starbucks. I usually have one in the
morning and then dream about it until the next day when the thought of my iced
coffee helps me rouse myself to the screaming children.
There are days, however, that call
for more than one iced coffee. At 100 calories a pop I don’t want to drink all
my calories for the day so it has to be absolutely necessary to indulge. Today
is one of those days. There is excessive amount of wailing happening.
The baby got her 15 mo. imms yesterday so she has an excuse. The boys….oh, the
boys…they have no reason to be so ill at ease with life, and yet, they are.
There was the “my waffle tore so I must have another one” incident, followed by
the “why won’t you make me lunch NOW after I insisted I wasn’t hungry and you
sat down to eat your lunch” incident. There have also been numerous spills and
demands, including the child currently laying at my feet screaming for a treat.
(Does that ever work? Why do they think it should?)
So, I thought to myself. “Self, let’s
go get another coffee. It’s just one of those days. It’ll be worth it.” Then I
thought, “Hey, Matt keeps saying that the protein shake stuff is really good in
coffee and instead of 100 empty calories maybe they can be chuck full of energy!
Yes! Energy! I need energy!” So, I made my K-Cup, cooled it for the appropriate
amount of time and mixed in the vanilla protein powder. I smelled it first.
That’s in the Widmer code of conduct…you must smell new things before you put
them in your mouth to make sure they’re safe. It smelled really good. “Great,”
I thought, “this is the beginning of a whole new world of iced coffees.” Next, I
added ice and the straw and took a great big swig. My reaction is best summed
up in the words of Whoa Susannah and her grocery store Vlog, “MERCIFUL HEAVENS,
WHAT NEW HELL IS THIS!?!?!?!”
“Why! Why is this so
bad?” I wondered to myself. It tasted like someone had stuck a vanilla bean
between their sweaty toes and waded through my coffee. It was salty and overly
sweet and did not resemble my iced coffee at all. “Now what do I do?” I didn’t
want to waste my coffee, it is earth day after all, so I contemplated saving
it. To be sure I took another swig! ACK! “Why?! Why would I do that again?”
“More Ice, more ice had to be the answer. I grabbed my blender (which I hate to
clean so you know I was desperate) and I put ice in it and threw in the coffee
and tried to blend it. I say tried because the coffee/protein mixture wouldn’t
mix with the ice. “Seriously, what is this stuff? It doesn’t blend with water?”
You would have thought that I would have given up, but sadly no. I continued to
mix and blend. It grew! I held on to the lid for dear life. Finally, I stopped
the blender and tried to put it back into my cup, or half of it. The ice had
now doubled the volume. Ya’ll, I actually put it back into my mouth. I just
drank as fast as I could. I still couldn’t bring myself to waste the coffee.
Alas, after drinking the first half I couldn’t do it anymore. It was so bad.
I have now tried one of the leading
MLM shakes (which tasted like someone took my multivitamin and blended it into
liquid) and an off the shelf protein powder and I cannot for the life of me
understand why people drink this crap? It’s for real a multi-million dollar market!
The only conclusion I can draw is that there must be crack in it. It’s gotta
have some sort of addictive qualities. If anyone finds me twitching in the
corner, from withdrawals, not from the children, which might be hard to
differentiate, we’ll know for sure.
Guys, I had to eat a half a bag of
Cheez-Its and some chocolate covered blueberries to get the taste out of my
mouth. Now, I’m slightly concerned about the possibility of anal leakage as an
after effect. I just don’t know… I can’t even… I think I’d rather starve. Well,
no, that’s not true. I’d rather eat cookies, but since that’s currently not an
option I think I’d rather starve. If someone comes up with a protein packed,
good for you cookie, that doesn’t include banana or peanut butter (gag, but
that’s another rant) let me know. Until then, I shall return to my beloved iced
coffee once a day and pray that the children don’t run me into the loony bin.
