I always half jokingly refer to bath time in our home as water boarding, but seriously, either my children are overly sensitive or I should go to work for the CIA and TSA and maybe even the IRS as an advanced interrogator. I am trying to work on not being so angry but it seems that I am just not capable of getting through bath time without a fit. Let me give you an anecdotal tour of bath time in the Widmer home.
Usually the three girls get into the bathtub together. This will soon be coming to an end as Elaina is beginning to fill the entire bathtub up all on her own. This leaves the other girls to find random spots where they can fit. Once they are all squished, tetris style into the tub then we must add the Barbies. I believe we have no less than fourteen hundred mermaid Barbies and their accessories (dolphins, seahorses, etc) that must join the tub at bath time. I mean, obviously, you can't play with mermaid Barbies without water. My children really don't know how good they have it. My mother NEVER let me take a Barbie into the water. It might have something to do with the massive amounts of plastic hair that must be removed from the tub and drain after the bath is over, but I digress. So, now we have a tub full of girls and Barbies. This is now play time. During play time I must listen to them yell and scream at each other that they are not playing right, or not to get them wet (Um, you're in the TUB), or that they want the one Barbie that the other child is playing with. Then someone takes a big cup of water and sets it on the edge of the tub and then "accidentally" dumps it over the edge all over the bath mat. Next comes the need to pee or poop. Usually during bath time two of my children have to go to the bathroom even though they all just went before they got in the tub. When getting onto the toilet from the tub it is a dire emergency so that they cannot possibly dry anything off before sitting on the toilet. The result is a massive puddle from the tub to the toilet and a massively slippery toilet especially if you didn't realize that it was wet (trust me). Right about this time, I am completely and totally frustrated with the situation so it's time to wash them and get them out. Evelyn goes first since she has to use special soaps that do not bother her baby eczema. She never wants to go first and usually flails like a fish that Jillian has caught with her pishen hoe. Overall though, she is my easiest one to wash. There is only a minimal amount of whining that occurs here and is most of the time very tolerable. Next comes Jill. Jill has ear tubes so she must wear earplugs in the bath. We start washing Jillian's hair and she starts screaming that it hurts. I don't know how washing hair can hurt. I try to be very gentle, but when you get me really mad I figure if she's gonna scream no matter how gentle I am, I might as well give her a reason to scream. Then her earplugs fall out. I don't know how. Maybe it's the screaming. Maybe she just has an uncanny ability to push earplugs from her ears without using her hands. It's a gift. Anyway, then she's done and it's time to move to Elaina. Elaina is completely capable of washing herself except for most days she "doesn't feel like it." This is convenient because I always feel like washing her....yeah, that's it. Oh and she gets water in her eyes and then she "CAN'T SEE!" I did not know that water caused blindness, did you?
Once we have made it through the girls then it is Asher's turn. This is must less eventful. I have to tell you though, that every time I give him a bath I am amazed at how early boys discover their "man parts". And why on earth must they be pinched!? I think that should hurt. All I know is that it's a good thing that the good Lord did not give the male species big boobs as well or they would never get anything done.
When all is said and done the children are clean. I have a headache and very wet socks, but the children are clean. Someday, I know I will look back at fondness at some of these situations just as my mom now looks back with fondness at my brother's "fun baths" (this is where you fill the bath up as full as you can and sit in it and play but don't actually use any soap). Until then, I will be content to know that it is, at the very least, decent blogging material.
