…I will look up, for there is none
above You. I will bow down to tell You that I need You, Jesus, Lord of all. I
will look back and see that You are faithful. I look ahead, knowing You are able,
Jesus, Lord of All. Jesus, Lord of All… (Elevation Worship)
At this time
last year I was, to borrow a phrase from Anne of Green Gables, in “the depths
of despair.” I was 37 weeks pregnant, ready to be done and exhausted. I was
looking forward into 2015 and seeing myself as a “single” parent frequently. It
looked like Matt, with away rotations and military obligations, was going to be
gone for more than 3 months out of the year. I know that there are many
military families who face deployments and training much longer than three
months but with the last 4 years of medical school absence so clear in my memory,
my heart was not ready for such a separation.
In addition
to the upcoming absences, we were also struggling financially. Medical School
can take a toll on one’s finances and the secret they don’t tell you is that
Residency is worse. I pity the poor unsuspecting person who makes a comment
about Physicians being overpaid in my presence. By the end of last year we had experienced
6 years of struggle and because of Matt’s busy schedule I was one who would
play financial Tetris to make things work. I was burnt out. Matt had tried
several things to bail us out, including the National Guard – which he was in,
but not yet being paid, and getting his unrestricted license to be able to
moonlight for extra income. Every avenue he tried wasn’t panning out. I didn’t
honestly believe anything was going to change.
My outlook
about the upcoming year was bleak, to say the least. In January, trying to
steel myself from the struggles ahead I started a 20 day Bible study by Havilah
Cunnington called, “I Do Hard Things,” and honestly I cried my way through most
of it as God spoke to my heart. The thing that stuck out the most was this
statement (that I’ll paraphrase): We create these scenarios in our heads, we
imagine how we think things are going to look or how people are going to react
and then we attach our emotions to them. We become emotionally invested in
things that have not yet happened and it’s a giant waste of time and energy.
WOW! That is exactly what I had been doing and it needed to change. I didn’t
know what my year would hold so why was I despairing now? That helped my
perspective…a lot!
Another
thing helping my perspective was the delivery of Vivienne! I’m not the norm,
but I’m always MORE rested when I have a newborn than I am at the end of the pregnancy.
As soon as I get out of the hospital and I can do things my way and on my terms
I’m a better person. Vivi was no exception and has been an ideal child…way to
make me sad that you’re the last baby, kid.
In February God
did what we couldn’t! Matt’s back pay came through and also his unrestricted
license, allowing him to moonlight. Over this year we’ve watched our income
double and we’ve been able to pay of a new car’s worth of debt in less than a
year. I am grateful to have a husband who works a full time job, three part
time jobs, and a contingent job to get us through this time. I love how we play
a part and God picks up and completes the work.
Over the
spring and summer I watched as what we thought would be long periods of
separation for our family unraveled and fall apart, and the ones that remained
were covered in grace. Matt’s weekend drills weren’t as big of a deal as I’d
anticipated and because his audition rotation at his chosen Sports Medicine
Fellowship program went so well he didn’t have to do many out of town. In fact,
he was gone just one week! One week instead of 3 month! I cannot tell you how
happy that has made me. My life is always distinctly better when my husband is
by my side.
As we looked
forward to 2015, we didn’t think we’d be able to take a family vacation, but we’ve
had three! THREE! Sometimes I’m amazed at the extravagance of my heavenly
Daddy! Our family get-a-way to the cabin in Canada in August fell into perfect
place. Then, God gave me a kiss – a nod that my dreams weren’t forgotten – in the
form of a sports medicine conference in MN on the dancer’s hip. Day one of the
conference was for the medical professional and day two was for the dancer! I
learned so much and spent many of the lectures sitting in the back in tears of
amazement that even this Mama of 6 could continue my dance dreams.
One of the
things that we thought would cause times of separation was a medical policy
program to which Matt got accepted. Only 10 people in the nation were selected
for this program and Matt was one. It’s quite the honor but it requires conferences
in NYC, DC, Chicago, and AZ. The December conference was in DC so we packed up
the kids and went a few days early for their first trip to our Nation’s
Capital. DC is one of my favorite places, although, I’ve not been there many
times. Our time there as a family was precious, even if Elaina was miffed that
we not going to a shopping mall but, “a large plot of land that they could
build a mall on!”
God spoke to
me through my kids the other day. Jillian was playing a game on her tablet and
Evelyn watched. Jill quit a round and Evelyn asked her why she quit. Jill’s response
was that she was going to lose so she just quit. Evelyn said, “No you weren’t.
You just had to shoot this ball over here and then you would have won!” At that
point God said to me, “You do that, you know. You quit when you think you’re
going to lose but you can’t see what I can see. Don’t quit because you’re going
to win.”
I know that
this has been a year of reaping for us. I believe there is more reaping to come
but I also know that there will be periods of sowing, more times where we will
be giving to accomplish the call that God has placed on our lives. But what a
year of learning this was for me. I cannot attach my emotions to events that I
don’t know are going to happen, it is a good thing to look for the harvest, and
I can’t quit just because I think I’m going to lose!
I look back
and see His faithfulness and I now look ahead to 2016 knowing that He is able
to not just help me survive but to thrive!
I thank God
for His goodness to us and I pray that you experience His overwhelming love for
you this year.
Blessings,
Jen
Jen
